Alcoholism is a family disease

Alcoholism is a family disease. Living with an alcoholic or person addicted to other substances means constant stress, anxiety and uncertainty for everyone in the family.

Families develop various strategies for coping with the addicted person:

? Denial: Everyone in the family denies that anything is wrong, yet no one feels right.

? Adaptation: Making excuses for alcoholic behavior, lying to cover the drinking, becoming absorbed in other activities.

? Verbal strategies: Lectures, threats, pleas of self-respect or promises.

? Behavioral strategies: Hiding or refusing to buy alcohol, marking bottles, avoiding the alcoholic or staying away from home.

? Disengagement: Withdrawing socially from friends and community activities and emotional withdrawal characterized by emotional numbness.

Millions of children living in North America have alcoholaddicted parents. They live in a state of constant tension and anxiety. Each day, they worry about whether their

parents will be drunk or sober. They feel trapped in a hopeless situation, rarely bring friends home and usually have no one to talk to about the chaos at home.

Children receive conflicting messages from an alcoholaddicted parent:

? Love/Rejection: "I love you, but don't bother me." In adult life, these children are attracted to relationships where they are rejected because they equate love with rejection.

? You can count on me/ Disappointment: "I will be there for you ? next time." The alcohol-addicted parents want credit for their good intentions, but do not want their disappointing behavior to count. The adult children learn not to want or expect things. They deny their needs because they do not want to be disappointed when those needs are not met. They do not depend on others.

? Always tell the truth/I do not want to know: The child is told to always tell the truth ... as long as it is something the parents want to hear. Truth becomes an ideal, lying the reality. In adult life, the child lies automatically ? without guilt ? even when telling the truth would be easier.

As a result, the primary trait of children of alcoholics is low self-esteem. Children of alcoholics are four to five times more likely to become alcoholics than children of nonalcoholic parents. They are also more likely to marry alcoholics or unavailable persons, even though they rarely know about the condition going into the marriage.

The impact of an alcoholic parent continues to be felt in adult life. Adult Children of Alcoholics ? ACOAs ? are characterized by: difficulty completing projects; habitual lying; harsh self-judgments; being irresponsible or overly responsible; taking themselves very seriously; excessive need for control; impulsive behavior without thinking of the consequences; constant need for approval; feeling different from others; extreme loyalty, even when undeserved; difficulty with intimate relationships.

One of the most published women on this topic is Claudia Black, Ph.D. She knows firsthand what it is like to grow up in a family affected by addiction. Alcoholism, drug addiction, compulsive disorders, depression, emotional abandonment, physical abandonment and family violence leave scars that can last a lifetime.

For more information, go to www.claudiablack.com.

Janice Clarkson, Ed.D., a Fernandina Beach resident, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Certified Addiction Professional. Readers with confidential questions may e-mail her at jjclarkson@earthlink.net.