Teen on the road to recovery from anorexia

Nov. 08--Sydney Carroll has already experienced a lifetime of emotions beyond her 16 years.

Perhaps that's why she's prone to expressing herself through art, either by painting or jotting down poetry.

"I can't really describe it," she said. "It just comes out, kind of like a metaphor in a way to describe how I am feeling."

Carroll is in a reflective mood. Just a year ago, she was away from home for the first time at the Eating Disorder Recovery Center in Denver to receive treatment for anorexia.

Before she received treatment she lived on a diet of vegetables -- mostly lettuce. These days she loves sandwiches, mashed potatoes, chocolate and especially peanut butter.

"I can eat anything I want now and I don't even have those thoughts anymore," Carroll said.

She began developing an eating disorder toward the end of sixth grade. It was a slow build up, she thinks, and evolved from her depression.

The soft-spoken teen said she's always had very low self-esteem. She's also long wanted to control things she had no control over, like her family's health.

"I started to try to find ways to cope with it, which was starving myself," Carroll said. "That gave me like a high in my brain and I just kind of started from there. I'd try to find ways to be happy and for some reason that was the way."

Disposing of uneaten food became a daily routine. Packed lunches were pitched in the trash. When her mom was not looking, she would either throw it away, hide it in a napkin or, if it was milk, pour it down the kitchen sink.

"It just kind of turned into an addiction in a way, an addiction of trying to eat as little as possible," Carroll said.

At her lowest point, she weighed only 80 pounds.

Her parents, Rob and Tammy Carroll, noticed a change the summer following sixth grade, she said. Concerned she was becoming too thin, they asked her what was happening. An eating disorder wasn't on their radar.

"We kind of kept an eye on it because Sydney has always kind of dealt with some sort of anxiety, always kind of a worrier," said Rob Carroll. "She would always go through phases where worrying about this one thing and then two or three weeks later it would pass."

He recalls her coming to them and saying she had some "weird thoughts about food." They kept a concerned eye on it, assuming the issue would resolve itself.

"It never passed," he said. "It just did not go away and just got progressively worse."

Carroll would tell her parents she was trying to get healthy, that she wanted to start running cross country, and she was getting in shape. Really, she wanted to be as skinny as possible.

Perhaps the most troubling aspect was that lying to her parents became like a reflex.

"It got to the point where I didn't even really care," she said. "I didn't really think, 'Oh my god, I just lied to my parents.' That's really started worrying me too, why am I not feeling these emotions that I should be feeling?"

What she did feel was constant sadness. The teen stayed in her room and slept all day. She just wasn't herself.

The summer of 2014 was a breaking point. She was always tired and fainting a lot, even in the shower. Her heart also started going downhill.

Ultimately, to get better, Carroll realized she had to help herself.

"I was finally like, I'm not going to recover to make my grandma happy, to make my parents proud, or just to make people not worry about me," she said. "I'm going to recover for myself because there's things that I want to do in this world that drive me and I'm not going to live in fear anymore."

Her parents and a psychologist decided she should enter a treatment center. She was sent to the Eating Disorder Recovery Center in Denver in October 2014 for a five-week stay.

Though she made amazing friends at the center, it was extremely scary to be on her own.

"Looking back on it now, it's like one of the best things ever," she said. "I learned a lot about myself just being alone and having to take care of myself."

Therapy sessions at the treatment center helped Carroll understand what had led to her eating disorder.

When she was about 3 years old, her grandpa, Norman Carroll, was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. Some of her earliest memories were of her grandfather's body shutting down and him being unable to speak.

"I always took care of him," she said. "I had crayons and I would act like I was giving him shots and stuff and he would just smile."

He died June 4, 2004, at age 68. That's when her anxiety started.

At the end of her five weeks at the center, she left feeling more optimistic about life and her weight was where it should be.

"I was excited to come home and show everybody how good I did," Carroll said.

Throughout everything, Carroll said her family was amazing and was always there to give support.

"They could have backed out at any time because it was horrible," she recalled. "I wasn't myself at all, but they just kept going. My mom and dad were just always there for me."

Learning their daughter had anorexia was overwhelming, said Tammy Carroll. Neither parent knew much about eating disorders, and it was frustrating because there aren't a lot of resources nearby to turn to for help.

The Carrolls also wondered what they had done wrong as parents and still continue to question themselves.

Though she's doing much better, it's still scary for her parents.

"I know she's recovered, it's been over a year now, but I'm always fearful that any little thing ... I'm just always fearful that it's coming back," said Tammy Carroll.

If she doesn't eat something that's been part of her diet for a while, their first conclusion is that she's relapsed, Rob Carroll said. She tells them to calm down.

"The last three years have been really tough," he said. "Life right now in the Carroll house, even though we still have challenges ... pinch me because it's really something to be thankful for."

Tammy Carroll agreed, "Definitely."

Carroll continues to see a psychologist once every week or two weeks, depending on how she's feeling.

"We don't even talk about food anymore or body image," Carroll said. "Now we just talk about life."

Once you have an eating disorder, Carroll explained, your brain stops developing as it should because it's depleted of the nutrients it needs. So, she's kind of playing catch up now.

Anorexia and depression kept her sidelined from traditional school for two years. She's now a sophomore at Henderson County High School and loves it.

"It's fun, exciting and scary at the same time," Carroll said, adding, "but I wouldn't change it. I have very, very supportive, good friends."

Like many teens, social media is embedded in her life. Posting pictures and inspirational messages on Instagram is another form of expressing herself.

It's also a way to reach others who have struggled.

"I try to show them it gets better -- there's hope," she said.

College is still a few years off, so her plans are not set in stone. Being an educator is a family trade, her dad is the principal at South Heights and her older sister, Cassidy, is a majoring in education at Murray State University.

But that's not for Carroll. She wants to forge her own, separate path. Her interests lean toward the arts.

"I want to be a writer and I really want to write the emotions you feel, basically to show people you aren't the only one going through things like this," Carroll said.

That's a big part of why she's into poetry. Reading poems helped her realize she's not the only one who "feels that way, good or bad." It's been a comfort to her.

Rob Carroll said they believe that "This kind of happened to her because she was strong enough to handle it and she's going to be able to help other people get through it."

Carroll said she would like to be a lifeline to others.

"If anybody just needs somebody to talk to, going through depression, anxiety, eating disorders, I'm open to that," she said.

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