Managing mental illness still a struggle for ESF recipient

Dec. 19--Rebecca Parr remembers the darkness all too well.

In her 20s, it often beat her. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder, she lacked the insurance or the money to pay for intensive treatment and would end up despondent and nonfunctional.

Sometimes, still, the darkness lurks. But Parr, now 50, has learned to live knowing the dark is nearby without letting it overcome her -- and she wants others to know they can do the same.

"I want people to know there is hope" they can live a fulfilling and productive life with mental illness, Parr said. "You are not your diagnosis."

It took a lot of work to get to that point, she said.

"I was hospitalized regularly in my youth, about once a year," she said. "Unfortunately, that's a Band-Aid. I didn't have the insurance to cover getting actual treatment."

But in 2005, she became eligible for Medicare and enrolled in an intensive out-of-state program to learn to manage her mental illness, she said. Two years later, sensing she "still had some work to do," she went back.

"I haven't been hospitalized since," said Parr, who still sees a therapist regularly. "I keep that safety net in place, because I still have symptoms, but I now have a toolbelt. I now have the resources to know what to do."

Parr likens bipolar disorder to diabetes, another illness that must be managed.

"I learned how to deal with the symptoms, and how to recognize it coming on," she said. "If you were diabetic, you wouldn't go and eat a whole, big, giant cake. You know that's going to affect your diabetes. Likewise, there are lifestyle changes (with mental illness) you have to make in order to stay healthy."

In her youth, Parr couldn't always see the point of making that effort. These days, she knows well what the payoff is: the ability to enjoy life.

Parr has two great passions. The first is the arts; she's long worked in that field. Being in control of her symptoms has allowed her to work for the University of Tennessee Opera Theater, for which she manages two shows a year, and to do other contract work, such as decorating for the Clayton Christmas series. Before UT, she worked for the Knoxville Opera for 19 years.

But her greatest passion these days calls her "Gaga." Parr is helping raise her 2-year-old great-nephew, who lives with her. The stability Parr has found by overcoming bipolar disorder allows her to provide a loving and secure home, she said -- and her bright, engaging great-nephew blesses her.

"I live daily in a state of gratitude," she said. "That makes a big difference in life."

It's also made it easier to ask for help. Parr lives within her means, but there's not a lot left over. This year is the third she's received an Empty Stocking Fund basket -- food only, she said, as the little boy has plenty of toys.

She'll use the food to make a Christmas meal for him, his parents, his grandparents and others.

"Before him, I didn't really care about whether I had a meal to provide," Parr said. "But when you have a family, it makes a difference. Sometimes I think, 'Oh, I shouldn't get this because there are other people who need it more than me.' I've come to understand that now I'm able to accept help more than I was, because I have family, people to share it with."

She wants others struggling with mental illness to learn to ask for help, to accept support, to have faith and to keep fighting for a functional life.

"It wasn't an easy process," Parr said. "I had to go through the fire to get to the other side. ...

"When you're in the darkness, it's hard to hear somebody who has made it through, because you never think that could be you. But my hope is that someone going through the struggles I went through as a younger woman can see that with the right help, they, too, can have quality of life."

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